Family/money, money/family. The big struggles. Can't decide which is crazier, right now, but it's not all hectic. Issues abound, and I feel like I'm drowning, with the family stuff, but child is healthy and brilliant, and that's a blessing. Crafty, though, which is vexing. Good with the bad. Still no heat, but we're working on it. My mom won't tell me when she runs out of meds, because I have to buy them, so now I'll have to take inventory of her pills. That's a bit maddening. And between my brother and my sister, and I don't really know what's going to happen next. Here's hoping smooth sailing will happen, someday. <_____>
Health is... frustrating. Chemo ward was less depressing than I thought it would be. Everyone was really nice. I got the blood thing mostly fixed. As much as they could. No one knows why I'm not getting better. I have good days, but I spend a week paying for them. No one sees that, and I don't really talk about that. Or what's going on. I didn't think I could. Sometimes, I still can't. Not all words are as easy to just say as others. I don't know. I keep thinking I'll wake up. I keep saying I'm too young for this. For any of it. I try to stay positive, but I find I only ever get half way to saying it. The concept of time and limit, it comes up a lot in my head. I feel it in my chest. It's heavy. I don't like being scared, and I don't really know how to handle it, or admit it, or talk about it. I don't know how to deal with people. Or pain. I don't know. It's frightening, and constant, and I want to be stronger than it, but I'm running out of brave face.
I miss connections, but sometimes, I think it's a one way thing, so I let it be. It was a gradual period of discovery, for one source. I think I knew it for a while, but one day, it became clear. It was a hard thing to process. Things get twisted, and reason gets twisted, everything just contorts into something unrecognizable. Sometimes, I hardly recognize people.
I missed everyone on here and on the thingies. I couldn't get onto facespace or proboards, because I had no computer (and pb hates linux phones). Now, I have one, but I can't get on, because it crashes the whole machine. Everything crashes it. There are a small handful of sites that don't, and I don't know why that is. Even my email crashes it. It's really frustrating. Massively insufficient ram. But some bigger ram is coming in the mail, so in a week or two, when it comes, and gets put in for me, I'll be able to get back on. I'm really looking forward to it, because I really miss everyone, and I feel just terrible for being unable to get on. I should also be able to make pictures again (which also currently crashes the computer). I'm excited, because with everything else going on, I need some happiness pie.
I love you, Listener. Thank you.