Journals23
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These are always fun
4 min read
Life is... crazy. Good and bad. I don't really know why I'm doing one of these. Therapeutic, I suppose, and I was told I should, and I don't keep an lj, or anything else, so here goes. haha
Family/money, money/family. The big struggles. Can't decide which is crazier, right now, but it's not all hectic. Issues abound, and I feel like I'm drowning, with the family stuff, but child is healthy and brilliant, and that's a blessing. Crafty, though, which is vexing. Good with the bad. Still no heat, but we're working on it. My mom won't tell me when she runs out of meds, because I have to buy them, so now I'll have to take inventory of her pills. That's a bit maddening. And between my brother and my sister, and I don't really know what's going to happen next. Here's hoping smooth sailing will happen, someday. <_____>
Health is... frustrating. Chemo ward was less depressing than I thought it would be. Everyone was really nice. I got the blood thing mostly fixed. As much as they could. No one knows why I'm not getting better. I have good days, but I spend a week paying for them. No one sees that, and I don't really talk about that. Or what's going on. I didn't think I could. Sometimes, I still can't. Not all words are as easy to just say as others. I don't know. I keep thinking I'll wake up. I keep saying I'm too young for this. For any of it. I try to stay positive, but I find I only ever get half way to saying it. The concept of time and limit, it comes up a lot in my head. I feel it in my chest. It's heavy. I don't like being scared, and I don't really know how to handle it, or admit it, or talk about it. I don't know how to deal with people. Or pain. I don't know. It's frightening, and constant, and I want to be stronger than it, but I'm running out of brave face.
I miss connections, but sometimes, I think it's a one way thing, so I let it be. It was a gradual period of discovery, for one source. I think I knew it for a while, but one day, it became clear. It was a hard thing to process. Things get twisted, and reason gets twisted, everything just contorts into something unrecognizable. Sometimes, I hardly recognize people.
I missed everyone on here and on the thingies. I couldn't get onto facespace or proboards, because I had no computer (and pb hates linux phones). Now, I have one, but I can't get on, because it crashes the whole machine. Everything crashes it. There are a small handful of sites that don't, and I don't know why that is. Even my email crashes it. It's really frustrating. Massively insufficient ram. But some bigger ram is coming in the mail, so in a week or two, when it comes, and gets put in for me, I'll be able to get back on. I'm really looking forward to it, because I really miss everyone, and I feel just terrible for being unable to get on. I should also be able to make pictures again (which also currently crashes the computer). I'm excited, because with everything else going on, I need some happiness pie. 
I love you, Listener. Thank you.
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In my dreams, I am so far away.
11 min read
So, it's been a long time. A really long time. And honestly, I've missed it here. This place fills me when I feel empty, and I feel guilty for the long absence. Things have been absurdly crazy these last months, but while there's no order in sight, I can imagine its coming. That, at least, brings peace.
When I dream, I dream of such peculiar things that they defy explanation. In my dreams, I am so far away. From here. From this. From myself. And sometimes, just sometimes, I am somewhere so splendid that I want to stay there. Away from here. From this. From me. The journey is to bring that reality home. I just don't know how yet.
The house hunt is on, and I am hopeful about that I need space so badly that it's driving me insane. As soon as I have a place to expand and create, I imagine that the stir-craziness and depression will subside somewhat. It's been a hard run. My grandfather isn't long for this world, and there seems to be no way for me to go and see him. It stings. He was the music in my family. A father figure. And he's never even met my son. I feel an overwhelming surge of guilt over this. I put off my chances It was my own fault. His wife, my grandmother, is very thin and blonde, with pointed lips and pointed words. All my life, she always got on me about my weight. "You don't want to be fat, like your mother. "You don't want to be a bum, like your mother." "You're too fat to be a dancer." "You used to be bigger? Oh Lord!" When I hadn't seen her in person in 3 years (I was 14 at the time, and had started developing- I didn't wear form fitting things, but I was slimming out), her first words weren't I love you or How are you? or I've missed you! No. They were "Brianna! You used to be so skeeny! What howpened?" It stung. I don't doubt that she loved me, but it was hard to take. Even when I was anorexic, there was a comment or two. Or ten. Or more. And when I got sick, I lost the ability to lose weight for years. The pregnancy didn't help, either. I'm working on getting well, but it is a lot of trial and error at this point. Long story short, I hid from my family. All except for my mother an my siblings. For years, I avoided being seen by anyone after having my son, and even avoided sending them pictures. They aren't even shown family pictures that aren't retouched to no longer contain me. Everything is looks, money and success with them. I grew up poor and not too sporty, and artistic. Art is kind of widely considered pipe dream material in my family. Writing is for talented and already published, not for poor kids who don't know anyone. Healing arts are silly hippie voodoo nonsense. I should do something in business and numbers, despite having no talent for it. I stopped discussing my dreams with them a long time ago.
Not everyone in my family is that way. Just the loudest voices and the most glaring eyes. So, I hid. I hid from them all. I feel like I have so little to show for my time on this ball. I am not well off or published profitably or thin, and so I am made to feel like nothing. Honestly, logically, I know better. I just don't feel it. And so, it is an internal war. But waiting so long to reach out, I feel like I've missed my chance. I keep trying to raise the money to go out and see him, see if there's something that I can do for him, or at least just be there. But time is running out. Each day is a reminder. Each call. And my fear of disappointing them is costing me dearly. Everyone is already discussing the funeral, and I'm not ready to let him go.
At the moment, I'm writing some children's books (as well as illustrating), and I really want to get them published. They are helpful and educational, but still fun and silly, and they're meant to help with the many obstacles of growing up. That was redundant. Oh well. Wish me luck! And if anyone out there knows a publisher looking for something new, feel free to send that info my way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clubs that lay claim to my soul:
And groups...
I, of course, give these guys permission to put my stuff in their galleries, with links back to me. :}
When I dream, I dream of such peculiar things that they defy explanation. In my dreams, I am so far away. From here. From this. From myself. And sometimes, just sometimes, I am somewhere so splendid that I want to stay there. Away from here. From this. From me. The journey is to bring that reality home. I just don't know how yet.
The house hunt is on, and I am hopeful about that I need space so badly that it's driving me insane. As soon as I have a place to expand and create, I imagine that the stir-craziness and depression will subside somewhat. It's been a hard run. My grandfather isn't long for this world, and there seems to be no way for me to go and see him. It stings. He was the music in my family. A father figure. And he's never even met my son. I feel an overwhelming surge of guilt over this. I put off my chances It was my own fault. His wife, my grandmother, is very thin and blonde, with pointed lips and pointed words. All my life, she always got on me about my weight. "You don't want to be fat, like your mother. "You don't want to be a bum, like your mother." "You're too fat to be a dancer." "You used to be bigger? Oh Lord!" When I hadn't seen her in person in 3 years (I was 14 at the time, and had started developing- I didn't wear form fitting things, but I was slimming out), her first words weren't I love you or How are you? or I've missed you! No. They were "Brianna! You used to be so skeeny! What howpened?" It stung. I don't doubt that she loved me, but it was hard to take. Even when I was anorexic, there was a comment or two. Or ten. Or more. And when I got sick, I lost the ability to lose weight for years. The pregnancy didn't help, either. I'm working on getting well, but it is a lot of trial and error at this point. Long story short, I hid from my family. All except for my mother an my siblings. For years, I avoided being seen by anyone after having my son, and even avoided sending them pictures. They aren't even shown family pictures that aren't retouched to no longer contain me. Everything is looks, money and success with them. I grew up poor and not too sporty, and artistic. Art is kind of widely considered pipe dream material in my family. Writing is for talented and already published, not for poor kids who don't know anyone. Healing arts are silly hippie voodoo nonsense. I should do something in business and numbers, despite having no talent for it. I stopped discussing my dreams with them a long time ago.
Not everyone in my family is that way. Just the loudest voices and the most glaring eyes. So, I hid. I hid from them all. I feel like I have so little to show for my time on this ball. I am not well off or published profitably or thin, and so I am made to feel like nothing. Honestly, logically, I know better. I just don't feel it. And so, it is an internal war. But waiting so long to reach out, I feel like I've missed my chance. I keep trying to raise the money to go out and see him, see if there's something that I can do for him, or at least just be there. But time is running out. Each day is a reminder. Each call. And my fear of disappointing them is costing me dearly. Everyone is already discussing the funeral, and I'm not ready to let him go.
At the moment, I'm writing some children's books (as well as illustrating), and I really want to get them published. They are helpful and educational, but still fun and silly, and they're meant to help with the many obstacles of growing up. That was redundant. Oh well. Wish me luck! And if anyone out there knows a publisher looking for something new, feel free to send that info my way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clubs that lay claim to my soul:
And groups...
I, of course, give these guys permission to put my stuff in their galleries, with links back to me. :}
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
I haven't got much to say, here that would interest anyone (and not horrify anyone), so I have decided to fill this update with something fun & reviews.
First, the review.
I was looking for chocolate as a gift for someone who can no longer have any dairy. And working in chocolate as long as I have, I have become a chocolate snob. Everyone who knew me then did as well. I had to find something that was at least a little better than Hershey's, but entirely devoid of any milk products. Not as easy as you might think. The journey has led to multiple flavor failures. Just recently, however, this has been remedied. If you are someone who can't enjoy cow juice, or you know someone who is lactose, casein or entirely milk intolerant, I really recommend Chocolate Decadence.
chocdec.stores.yahoo.net/index…
The price is a little higher than you'd pay at See's or similar, but the quality is amazing. Their chocolate is truly delicious, and not just 'good enough for something non-dairy.' They're a vegan business. And while I am not vegan (one look at my reubenesque physique could tell you that), I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, I enjoyed it as much as, if not more than comparable confections of the dairy varieties.
I hope that this helps someone.
Now, Fun: Not all of these are ok for the younger friends...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1glNuQ…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbgLap…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFutWA…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo7Sng…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uSlqI…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXJhc2…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0A…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGHut9…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yv8a…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clubs that lay claim to my soul:
And groups...
I, of course, give these guys permission to put my stuff in their galleries, with links back to me. :}
First, the review.
I was looking for chocolate as a gift for someone who can no longer have any dairy. And working in chocolate as long as I have, I have become a chocolate snob. Everyone who knew me then did as well. I had to find something that was at least a little better than Hershey's, but entirely devoid of any milk products. Not as easy as you might think. The journey has led to multiple flavor failures. Just recently, however, this has been remedied. If you are someone who can't enjoy cow juice, or you know someone who is lactose, casein or entirely milk intolerant, I really recommend Chocolate Decadence.
chocdec.stores.yahoo.net/index…
The price is a little higher than you'd pay at See's or similar, but the quality is amazing. Their chocolate is truly delicious, and not just 'good enough for something non-dairy.' They're a vegan business. And while I am not vegan (one look at my reubenesque physique could tell you that), I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, I enjoyed it as much as, if not more than comparable confections of the dairy varieties.
I hope that this helps someone.
Now, Fun: Not all of these are ok for the younger friends...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1glNuQ…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbgLap…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFutWA…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo7Sng…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uSlqI…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXJhc2…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0A…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGHut9…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yv8a…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clubs that lay claim to my soul:
And groups...
I, of course, give these guys permission to put my stuff in their galleries, with links back to me. :}
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Smile
8 min read
Happy non-denominational holiday jumble timez, all!! I hope you're all enjoying the season!!
I'm working on getting some things in order. The website is very nearly up.
In older news,
DFTBA, as a life choice.
"Still?"
Of course.
I started this simple, silly project a bit ago, and I really wanted to see if I could keep it up before I went into recruiting people. So far, so good. So, what is the project, exactly, you ask?
"We didn't ask!"
Well, I'll tell you.
I decided to try to make DFTBA a mantra. A life choice, even. DFTBA means "Don't forget to be awesome. The idea was simple. I would try, everyday, to do at least one nerd-fighterly action per day, to help make a better world. I would remember to be awesome in some way, every single day. I've managed to keep this alive, and now I want others to join me. I think that while one little thing does very little, a lot of little things add up very quickly. And it doesn't have to take an entire day. It could take a few minutes, or it could take a few hours. Whatever you have to spare. It could be once a week, instead of once a day. I prefer to do it once a day, though, because if I waited a week, I might forget, when the day came around again.
Every day, I've done at least one thing to make the world a little better, from tending an organic garden and giving away organic produce to tutoring kids on line to setting up educational materials for an environmental park and helping people set up pollinator gardens. It's pretty simple. Admittedly, some of it was genuinely hard work, but a good portion was really simple, when you get down to it. And some took very little time. I think that we could all do it. Together. Decreasing world suck starts with each of us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clubs that lay claim to my soul:
iconEvo-Obsessed-Club:
And groups...
I, of course, give these guys permission to put my stuff in their galleries, with links back to me. :}
I'm working on getting some things in order. The website is very nearly up.
In older news,
DFTBA, as a life choice.
"Still?"
Of course.
I started this simple, silly project a bit ago, and I really wanted to see if I could keep it up before I went into recruiting people. So far, so good. So, what is the project, exactly, you ask?
"We didn't ask!"
Well, I'll tell you.
I decided to try to make DFTBA a mantra. A life choice, even. DFTBA means "Don't forget to be awesome. The idea was simple. I would try, everyday, to do at least one nerd-fighterly action per day, to help make a better world. I would remember to be awesome in some way, every single day. I've managed to keep this alive, and now I want others to join me. I think that while one little thing does very little, a lot of little things add up very quickly. And it doesn't have to take an entire day. It could take a few minutes, or it could take a few hours. Whatever you have to spare. It could be once a week, instead of once a day. I prefer to do it once a day, though, because if I waited a week, I might forget, when the day came around again.
Every day, I've done at least one thing to make the world a little better, from tending an organic garden and giving away organic produce to tutoring kids on line to setting up educational materials for an environmental park and helping people set up pollinator gardens. It's pretty simple. Admittedly, some of it was genuinely hard work, but a good portion was really simple, when you get down to it. And some took very little time. I think that we could all do it. Together. Decreasing world suck starts with each of us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clubs that lay claim to my soul:
iconEvo-Obsessed-Club: And groups...
I, of course, give these guys permission to put my stuff in their galleries, with links back to me. :}
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
New Show
There's a new show in Rising Sun, Indiana's main street, indoors, in Heritage Hall (what used to be a church, decades ago). I'm really hopeful. If you want to drop by and say hello to me, feel free! It's on the 14th of November. I'm making a load of new jewelry for it. Wish me luck. I'm in a really bad place, financially, and I need to do well to survive this.
_________________________________________________________________
FEATURED!!
That's right! This angel
decided to feature a poem I wrote juvenylechylde.deviantart.com/… in this journal erinyx.deviantart.com/journal/… !! I'm thrilled and flattered. This made my day!
___________________________________________________________________________
Humour
I thought that these were funny, so have a look and a laugh.
failblog.files.wordpress.com/2… bruce.bruce.nmsrv.com/spidey/a… www.youtube.com/watch?v=66TqUy… www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8UL2m… www.youtube.com/watch?v=1glNuQ… www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhn9vd…
________________________________________________________________
Hope
My grandfather is in bad shape. Everyone is preparing. No one thinks he'll make it. I'm afraid that I'll never see him again, and he was the closest thing to a father that I've ever had. (Right down to the dosapproving, in some cases.) I miss him. This is my hope. I believe in the power of thought, and I would like to ask all of you, if you have time, to think of him with healing light, to cast one thought to hoping he gets better or to pray, if that's your persuasion. I know it's a lot to ask, but I don't think that my family can survive losing one more person right now. I suddenly understand what it must have been to lose most of your family to plague.
_______________________________________________________
The Same Old
juvenylechylde.deviantart.com/… issues are still a constant focus for me. Please give it a look?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clubs that lay claim to my soul:
"iconTheMermaidsClub:
I, of course, give these guys permission to put my stuff in their galleries, with links back to me. :}
There's a new show in Rising Sun, Indiana's main street, indoors, in Heritage Hall (what used to be a church, decades ago). I'm really hopeful. If you want to drop by and say hello to me, feel free! It's on the 14th of November. I'm making a load of new jewelry for it. Wish me luck. I'm in a really bad place, financially, and I need to do well to survive this.
_________________________________________________________________
FEATURED!!
That's right! This angel
decided to feature a poem I wrote juvenylechylde.deviantart.com/… in this journal erinyx.deviantart.com/journal/… !! I'm thrilled and flattered. This made my day! ___________________________________________________________________________
Humour
I thought that these were funny, so have a look and a laugh.
failblog.files.wordpress.com/2… bruce.bruce.nmsrv.com/spidey/a… www.youtube.com/watch?v=66TqUy… www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8UL2m… www.youtube.com/watch?v=1glNuQ… www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhn9vd…
________________________________________________________________
Hope
My grandfather is in bad shape. Everyone is preparing. No one thinks he'll make it. I'm afraid that I'll never see him again, and he was the closest thing to a father that I've ever had. (Right down to the dosapproving, in some cases.) I miss him. This is my hope. I believe in the power of thought, and I would like to ask all of you, if you have time, to think of him with healing light, to cast one thought to hoping he gets better or to pray, if that's your persuasion. I know it's a lot to ask, but I don't think that my family can survive losing one more person right now. I suddenly understand what it must have been to lose most of your family to plague.
_______________________________________________________
The Same Old
juvenylechylde.deviantart.com/… issues are still a constant focus for me. Please give it a look?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clubs that lay claim to my soul:
"iconTheMermaidsClub: I, of course, give these guys permission to put my stuff in their galleries, with links back to me. :}
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In